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Dysregulation

When Big Feelings Drive Big Behaviour Understanding Dysregulation (and 5 Things You Can Do Today)

A parent-friendly, research-informed guide

Why is dysregulation important? (and why is it not considered “bad behavior”)

Have you ever noticed your child going from calm to explosive in only a few seconds? Out of nowhere they start yelling, hitting, refusing, shutting down or even melting down for no reason. It seems as if they are being difficult on purpose. You think about getting their ADHD assessment done. But what if I tell you, the real culprit is “dysregulation”? It is a state where the child’s brain is overwhelmed and becomes less available temporarily for self-control, rationality and flexibility.

Understanding dysregulation for what it really is allows us to pick the right cues. Our focus shifts from “how do I punish this” to “what is my child’s nervous system actually communicating”. Research suggests that children develop emotional regulation skills when they get supportive relationships, co-regulation experiences, and skill practice during the calm state of mind.

Dysregulation in real life

In real life, it shows up in the form of a fight, flight, freeze or flop. A few common indicators are:

  • Exaggerated reactions to minor issues (e.g., yelling because their chicken nuggets aren’t star-shaped)
  • Yelling, defiance, aggression or blatant refusal (No! I’m not up for it!)
  • Panic, tears, clinginess or whining that escalates rapidly
  • Shutting down, hiding, running away
  • Poor listening and impulsive actions – especially when hungry or tired

When emotionally dysregulated, your child’s brain isn’t at its best thinking behavior. Mainly the survival-driven state takes over, and their fight-or-flight system dominates. The is the reason why telling them to “calm down” or “take it easy” doesn’t really work and in fact backfires.

What Goes on in the Child’s Brain and Body

A child’s stress system activates when they perceive stress; could be external such as time pressure, conflict, social strain or internal including but not limited to hunger, tiredness, and sensory overload. Executive skills (working memory, impulse control, flexible thinking) become less available in that state. Research conducted on self-regulation emphasizes how stress context and physiology mould a child’s ability to maintain regulation, learn and cooperate.

Furthermore, emotional regulation is not only an innate skill but a relational process where the environment modifies it. Caregivers assist children regain regulation through co-regulation by using the right tone, structure and supportive coaching, until the child has developed enough skills to be independent.

A helpful reframe

Instead of… Try…
“My child is giving me a hard time.” “My child is going through a hard time, and I am able to help them.”

5 ways you can help your child (starting today)

1) Regulate your nervous system first: then co-regulate

Your calm grows on your child. When your breathing slows down, face softens and voice lowers, a safety signal is sent to the child that helps their brain come back online. This isn’t permissive parenting but a strategic nervous system leadership.

Before you speak, try this 20–40 second reset:

  • Plant both feet; drop your shoulders.
  • Exhale longer than you inhale (e.g., inhale for 3, exhale for 5).
  • Speak slowly and use fewer words.
  • Your tone should be warm and steady: “I’m here. We’ll figure this out.”

2) Connection before correction (especially in the first 2 minutes)

When your child appears dysregulated, the fastest track back to cooperation is connection. It can be a brief eye contact, a soothing statement, sitting close to them or suggesting grounding choices.

Phrases that appear useful:

  • “It is difficult. I’m here for you.”
  • “I can see your body is really upset.”
  • “We can take a reset, then we’ll decide what to do.”

If your child avoids touch, respect that. Co-regulation is not only physical contact, but can be proximity too.

3) Reduce the load: change the moment, not the child

Many blow-ups are predictable when you track patterns. The goal is not to eliminate all distress—it is to reduce unnecessary triggers so your child has more success. Consider these common “load multipliers”:

  • Hunger, fatigue, illness, sensory overload
  • Transitions (leaving the house, bedtime, homework start)
  • Crowds, noise, screens, conflict, time pressure

Two practical tools:

  • Lower demands temporarily: “First shoes, then we’ll talk about coat.”
  • Use transition scaffolds: 5-minute warnings, visual timers, “first–then” statements.

4) Teach regulation skills when everyone is calm

Skills don’t get learned mid-meltdown. Build a “calm-time curriculum” of simple, repeatable strategies your child can practice.

Pick 2–3 skills and practice them daily for 2 minutes:

  • Name the feeling + locate it in the body (“Where do you feel mad?”)
  • Balloon breathing or box breathing (keep it playful)
  • Movement resets (wall push-ups, animal walks, jumping jacks)
  • A coping plan card: “When I’m upset, I can… (1) breathe (2) get water (3) seek help.”

Emotion coaching programs that teach parents to respond supportively to children’s emotions have shown benefits for parenting practices and child outcomes in controlled trials.

5) Do “repair” after the storm (and build accountability without shame)

Once your child is calm again, that is the moment for teaching and accountability. Keep repair short and concrete.

A simple 3-step repair script:

  • Name what happened: “Earlier, your body got really upset and you threw the blocks.”
  • Name the need/feeling: “You wanted it to work and you felt frustrated.”
  • Practice a better plan: “Next time, what can you do instead? Let’s practice.”

If harm occurred (hitting, breaking, mean words), add a clear amends step (help fix, help clean, a genuine apology), and then return to connection. Repair teaches that relationships can handle big feelings—without letting hurtful behaviour slide.

When to get extra support

If dysregulation is frequent, unsafe or intense, that’s your cue to seek professional support. If your child is continuously depressed or anxious, avoiding school, or if you catch any neurodevelopmental differences, exposure to trauma, or family stress. Earlier a plan is built, easier it is to change the course.

Call to action

If you want a clear, practical plan tailored to your child, consider booking a parent consult. In one focused session, we can:

  • Map your child’s unique triggers and early warning signs
  • Create a home “Regulation Rescue Plan” you can use in the moment
  • Build a short, doable calm-time skill routine
  • Align on supportive limits and consistent follow-through (without power struggles)

Reply to this email or visit our booking page to schedule a parent consult. You are not alone in this!

Research references (peer-reviewed)

  1. Blair, C., & Raver, C. C. (2015). School readiness and self-regulation: A developmental psychobiological approach. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 711–731. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010814-015221
  2. De Raeymaecker, K., & Dhar, M. (2022). The influence of parents on emotion regulation in middle childhood: A systematic review. Children (Basel), 9(8), 1200. https://doi.org/10.3390/children9081200
  3. Havighurst, S. S., Kehoe, C. E., Harley, A. E., Radovini, A., & Thomas, R. (2022). A randomized controlled trial of an emotion socialization parenting program and its impact on parenting, children’s behavior and parent and child stress cortisol: Tuning in to Toddlers. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 149, 104016. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2021.104016
  4. Paley, B., & Hajal, N. J. (2022). Conceptualizing emotion regulation and coregulation as family-level phenomena. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 25(1), 19–43. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00378-4
  5. Skowron, E. A., Nekkanti, A. K., Skoranski, A. M., Scholtes, C. M., Lyons, E. R., Mills, K. L., Bard, D., Rock, A., Berkman, E., Bard, E., & Funderburk, B. W. (2024). Randomized trial of parent-child interaction therapy improves child-welfare parents’ behavior, self-regulation, and self-perceptions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 92(2), 75–92. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000859
  6. Zahl-Olsen, R., Severinsen, L., Stiegler, J. R., Fernee, C. R., Simhan, I., Rekdal, S. S., & Bertelsen, T. B. (2023). Effects of emotionally oriented parental interventions: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 1159892. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1159892
  7. Zimmer-Gembeck, M. J., Rudolph, J., Kerin, J., & Bohadana-Brown, G. (2022). Parent emotional regulation: A meta-analytic review of its association with parenting and child adjustment. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 46(1), 63–82. https://doi.org/10.1177/01650254211051086
Book Appointment

MacKenzie Ebel

MacKenzie is a Psychometrist/Psychological Assistant at RMPS. She completed her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology at Princeton University, where she also played 4 years for the women’s ice hockey team. She recently completed her Masters in Counselling Psychology through City University of Seattle. MacKenzie has worked with children, youth, and their families in a number of settings, through coaching, as a behavioural aid, and counselling through her internship placement. She is excited to continue learning about assessment administration, neurofeedback, and play therapy practices at RMPS! Currently, she is part of the assessment and neurotherapy team, as she completes her final capstone assignment and intends to join our counselling team as a Registered Provisional Psychologist.

Tammy Thomson

Tammy is a graduate of the Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology (MACP) program at Yorkville University and is trained at the master’s level in art therapy as a professional art psychotherapist and member of the Canadian Art Therapy Association. She brings more than 20 years of experience working with children, teens, and families in child development settings, children’s hospitals, and schools as an early childhood educator and elementary teacher. She completed a Bachelor of Applied Science specializing in Child Development Studies at the University of Guelph, Ontario and holds a Graduate Diploma of Teaching and Learning from the University of Canterbury in Christchurch, New Zealand. Tammy is a member of the Canadian Counsellor and Psychotherapy Association and College of Alberta Psychologists while pursuing her next goal of registration as a provisional psychologist. Tammy values a client-centered approach using play therapy and the expressive arts to support those who may find it difficult to articulate their thoughts and feelings with words. Children and families do not need any skill or prior art experience and the art studio is a safe place where children can gain a sense of independence, greater emotional regulation, and confidence through self-exploration. Expressive interventions in art therapy can treat behavioural issues, anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism, learning disabilities, physical and developmental disabilities, and attachment difficulties. As a parent of three young children herself, Tammy understands the complexities of family life using compassion to help parents feel more confident in their role of raising a successful family.

Raquel Freitas

Raquel is an Office Administrator at RMPS. Back in Brazil, her home country, she graduated as a Psychologist and worked as a clinician for the past 5 years. Although she loved working with children and adults, she discovered a new passion: manage the administrative tasks that keep the business running. 

As someone who is passionate about learning new things and developing new skills, with the career transition also came the decision to live abroad and explore a new culture. To serve empathetically and connect with people is Raquel’s main personal and professional goal.

Emma Donnelly

Emma is a Registered Psychologist with the College of Alberta Psychologists. She completed her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology in her hometown at Brandon University, after which she moved to Calgary to earn her Master’s of Science in School and Applied Child Psychology at the University of Calgary. Emma has a passion for working with children and families and has experience doing so in a number of settings, including schools, homes, early intervention programs, and within the community. She specializes in assessment, including psychoeduational, social-emotional-behavioural, and autism assessment. Emma uses a client centred approach to counselling, supported by cognitive behavioural therapy, as well as play-based and attachment-based techniques. She believes in meeting clients where they are at and prides herself in working together with her clients to achieve their goals, improve their functioning, and enjoy their daily life.

Amanda Stoner

Amanda is a Registered Psychologist with the College of Alberta Psychologists. Amanda earned her doctoral degree in Psychology at Brock University in Ontario in 2017, with a specialization in developmental psychology. Amanda provides formal assessment services at RMPS. 

Since 2009, Amanda has received formal training and work experience in private practice settings in conducting psycho-educational assessments for students ranging from preschool through university. Amanda is skilled at test administration, interpretation of data, and report writing for various referral questions including ADHD, Learning Disorders, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Anxiety, Giftedness, and Intellectual Disabilities. Amanda enjoys working with people of all ages from diverse backgrounds, and she tries to make the testing environment feel relaxed and comfortable while maintaining integrity in testing protocol.

Denise Riewe

Denise has completed a Bachelor of Health Sciences through the University of Lethbridge and a Master of Counselling with Athabasca University. She is a Registered Provisional Psychologist with the College of Alberta Psychologists and a member of the Psychological Association of Alberta. Denise has over 9 years of experience supporting children, youth and their families in both residential and community-based practices. Denise is experienced in working with high and at-risk youth, supporting children and their families with strength-based approaches. She practices from a client-center approach supported by Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Theraplay, and other play and art-based modalities.

John Pynn

John is a Registered Provisional Psychologist with the College of Alberta Psychologists. He completed his Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology at Yorkville University. He brings more than 20 years of experience working with children, teens, and families in a variety of settings. He brings a relaxed and collaborative atmosphere to sessions. John uses an integrated counselling approach including client-centred, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and Solution-Focussed therapy (SFT) to find the best-fit for clients. He has experience with a variety of mental health concerns including anxiety, depression, anger, self-
esteem, relationships, parenting, ADHD, grief/loss, addictions, and trauma. This broad experience comes from working in schools, social service agencies, group-care, and clinical settings. He also draws from the practical experience of being a parent to two teenagers as well as a husband. Supporting and empowering clients with mental health concerns is something John genuinely enjoys. John also provides counselling for adults and holds a Gottman level 1 certification for couples therapy.

Zara Crasto

Zara is a Psychometrist/Psychological Assistant at RMPS. She completed her Bachelor of Science in Psychology at the University of Calgary and her Graduate Diploma in Psychological Assessment at Concordia University of Edmonton. 

Zara has spent over five years working alongside children, adolescents, and their families in a variety of settings. These include public and private schools, in-home support, residential programs, early-intervention programs, and non-profit organizations. Currently, Zara is part of the assessment and neurotherapy team. As a lifelong learner, Zara plans to go back to graduate school and eventually become a psychologist one day.

Kellie Lanktree

Kellie is a Registered Psychologist with the College of Alberta Psychologists. She completed a Bachelor of Child and Youth Care with the University of Victoria and a Master of Education in Counselling Psychology through the University of Lethbridge. Kellie has over 10 years experience supporting children and youth with developmental disorders/delays and their families. Kellie has experience working in schools, clinical settings, and within homes to provide support and therapeutic interventions. Through her time at RMPS, Kellie has also gained experience in helping individuals affected by trauma, grief/loss, separations, emotional dysregulation, depression, and anxiety. Kellie practices through developmental, attachment-based and trauma-informed lenses, and draws from a variety of play-based approaches such as Synergetic Play Therapy, Child-centered play therapy, DIR/Floortime, art-based mediums, and mindfulness-based practices. Kellie also provides Neurofeedback therapy, and is working on receiving her certification through BCIA. Kellie believes in meeting children and their families where they are at and that there is no “one size fits all” for therapy.